guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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