dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
