So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
