you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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