You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
