Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
