Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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