I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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