I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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