I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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