Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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