i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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