I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Why is there bacon in the couch?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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