my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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