I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
