Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
