That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
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A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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