wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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