did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
