dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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