i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
