dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
