I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
