I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
