You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Congratulations! We have a period
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
