I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The struggles of a small town man whore
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
