Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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