In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
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No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
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I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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