wakey wakey hands off snakey
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
