You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
bring money and cleavage
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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