I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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