I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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