So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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