If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
