Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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