i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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