I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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