i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.