Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!