There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
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I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
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It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?