You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
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I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
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I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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