Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.