We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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