I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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