I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
