You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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