I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
