all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
