I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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