I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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