Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Randomize
