Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
