I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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