Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
