I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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