I skipped work to stalk him.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
honey bunches of taint.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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