Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
