i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
