There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
