Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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