When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
