how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The air was thick with penises
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
