At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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