Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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