Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
